I don't even know the last time I had a dream that I was pregnant or had a baby but last night I had one. I woke up and could see the baby and she even had a name.
And so I digress..
Since I have had the flu all weekend I've stopped taking my pain meds from my surgery and good Lord am I have withdrawals. Not the withdrawals you might think of but uncontrollable crying at nothing at all. This is nothing new for me because when I was first diagnosed in 2006 I had the exact experience. I don't think it's helping me that I don't have a baby, nor do I see one in my near future. If I do have to do chemo (or even if I don't) we don't have the money to do a DE cycle. Don't get me wrong, I love my DH and would love to just spend my life with him. However, those of you who are/have dealt with infertility know that the longing for a child never goes away.
This weekend I am spending Saturday with my dear friend who is 22 weeks pregnant and then Sunday having lunch with another friend who is 30 weeks. I don't begrudge either of them but I'm not sure that with my mental state right now should be having so much time with such pregnant women. Oh well, I'll deal and it will be good to not dwell on my woes.
I do have an appointment with a medical oncologist next Tuesday and hopefully we will be able to map out somewhat of a plan.
The last first day of school
2 weeks ago
3 comments:
I'm sorry you're having withdrawls, that sucks. I now you're probably feeling hopeless at this point, but don't give up. I wish I could tell you how it's all going to happen, but I don't know. I do know, however, that somhow it will all work out for you and you will be a mommy!
Do you know April at Broken Bits? Her blog is now private, but she had to do chemo after a molar pregnancy and just did another IVF and found out she's PG. So, it does seem possible to get pregnant with your own eggs and carry a child after chemo. I'm hoping you don't have to have it, but even if you do, I don't think carry your child or using your eggs is out of the question. Many ((HUGS))!
I am so sorry about all that you are/have gone through...You and your husband have had alot put on your plate, and I relate to the frustration of the medical profession (the clinics should hire ex-IFers to make these calls!!!) and their lack of sensitivity/ guidance.
One of the hardest things about keeping hope alive (which we have to) is trying to figure out how it is all going to work out and what our next step should be.
Trust your guts (read my blog, I had to really push for my docs to do what I KNEW should have happened a long time ago) and know that we are rooting for you-your speedy recovery and your child in your arms...I look forward to following your journey!
Oh- I forgot- in terms of hanging out with your very pregnant friends and 'forgetting your feelings'- my vote would be NO WAY!
I have written a post called 'Operation Happiness' and part of my husband and I getting through this is to not swallow our pain and put ourselves through the wringer, only to pay an emotional price later. We have done that for too long. The people who love us will understand and we need all the strength we can muster right now.
Anyhow, that's my two cents.
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