Are you F-ing kidding me??

I was just on Facebook, it's very addictive you know?? This chic I know asked if I could do family pics for her. I went to go comment on her wall and see her comment from yesterday that says, "Dr. appointment went well, we heard the heartbeat and my due date has been moved to Aug. 10th"

OK what the fuck is all I have to say! This woman is the most fertile person in the world. She has 3 other kids (she's 32)and her youngest is just over one. Her husband is only home on the weekend so how the hell does she get knocked up all the time?? Don't get me wrong, she's a great mom but come on...

I know we hear this all the time but I am so sick of people just thinking about getting pregnant and bamm they are!

OK, my rant is over! Thanks for listening, Happy New Year!

Random: Proud of myself

This is totally not TTTC related but I was just playing with new new Photoshop 7 and wanted to show what I did..yeah I know not all that impressive but I'm pretty proud of myself:) I took the picture, made it b/w and then colored in the details.

Baby steps, baby steps

New Nest Name

MJoule is now mbjmaybebaby.

I made the change because I was googling myself and didn't want my name to pop up with TTTC...not that I'm embarrassed of it but being a teacher, that's not what you want your 7th graders to find out about you online.

I now am "pending approval" from the nest so I will probably not be able to post on the nest for 3 days or so...what will I do?? LOL

::EDIT::
I am back to nesting, that was quick!!

To Fight or not to fight.??

*Warning, this post could be a bit of a downer*

So after we had a little to drink on Christmas Day my mom tells me that my dad thinks that I am not being very realistic about my cancer possibly coming back. For those of you that don't know, I was diagnosed with cancer in my neck in 2006 (2 weeks after my wedding to be exact!). I had the tumor removed and had radiation therapy and everything has been fine. I had a routine PET scan in October and a lymph node showed up on my scan. They weren't too worried about it but wanted to do a biopsy just to make sure. Well, when they did a CT to see exactly where it was they realized they couldn't get to it w/o cracking my chest open (it's behind my lungs next to my aorta). Sooo, I have to have another CT next month to see if it was just my body fighting off an infection or if it has gotten bigger and they will in fact have to go in and remove it and biopsy it.

Anyway, my dad tells my mom this (they aren't married anymore) and my mom says that I am so positive and that I give her strength. Well last night I am thinking about what my dad said and wondering if I have the strength to fight the cancer if it's come back. Oh hell, I know I will but I just feel like I keep getting shit on no matter what I do or how positive I am. Here comes the why me...
I just feel like I had the cancer and then I'm IF, it's not just infertile that I have to do IVF, it's that my freaking eggs SUCK and don't want to do what they're supposed do. How much shit can one person go through and still stay strong??

Thanks for listening to my rant. Don't worry I'm not suicidal or anything, just frustrated!

It's a family thing

So I finally got the nerve to call my step-sister today knowing now that she wasn't pregnant from her IVF attempt. A little bit of a back story...step-sister and I used to be really close when I was in high school. She lived in MN with my dad and her mom and I was in CO so we saw each other a couple times a year. We went to work in ND for a summer after I graduated and she tried to control me and other things happened and we just haven't been even close to what we used to be.

Anyway, she has always said that she didn't want twins and would even do a selective reduction if they did get pregnant with twins...yeah don't even get me started on that! We talked today and she did an IVF cycle while I was having all my surgery stuff and it didn't work. I told her about wheatgrass and DHEA and even sent her a couple links to read up on some things. I don't know if this will bring us closer but I now feel like it's a race to get pregnant before the other one. She will probably be doing another cycle right around the time I will. I want to be supportive and I think I can be but can that support stay if she gets pregnant and I don't?? I'm not so sure. And then there's the whole twin thing...WOW!

Merry Christmas (a day late)

So the holidays weren't as bad as I thought they might be. Besides sitting through a Catholic mass with TONS of kids and babies, it was pretty good. I got some great presents and today I went out shopping and bought some cute Christmas stuff for next year. I always love opening my holiday boxes the following year because I don't remember what I bought and it's so exciting to see the new things to decorate with.

On another note, we were going to put an offer on a house today and it's already under contract...dang it. This is now the 3rd house that this has happened with. I know we will find the "perfect" house but I am getting tired of looking.

I have a job interview on the 6th of January and the more I think about it, the more I want out of my current teaching position and will probably take it if it's offered to me. It's in a different district but that's OK, I need a new start.

I am feeling better every day but still have some major pain at the incision but that is to be expected I guess. Right now I just need a nap.

Well, that's all for now, not really IF based post today but I think that's good:)
Hope you all had a Merry Christmas.

Much Better

First I want to say that it is so nice to know that other people are going through the same crap as I am. Andrea, you're the best!

For those of you that read my entry from last night you can see that I was pretty mad. DH and I had a long talk last night about how it wasn't fair that he blamed me. He apologized and I know that he's just as frustrated with IF as I am. He's to the point where he doesn't want to hear about anyone else being pregnant...I don't blame him but it makes me sad that he's gotten to that point.

We are going forward with our holiday plans and are going to enjoy ourselves and being with our families. We are going to be DRINKING during the holidays as well:)

CHEERS!!

It's all my fault

**Warning, Bitch Fest Posting**

Sometimes I can't stand my DH! Today he got on one of his rampages that this IF is all my fault. Yes, I don't have tubes because they had to be taken out due to massive scar tissue, but POF isn't controllable. He knows this too, he's just being a shit.

It all started when we were out looking at houses. We were talking about the location of one house and how it was right across the street from a park. After we left the house he said, "It doesn't matter that it's by a park, we won't have kids anyway!" I told him that I needed him to be supportive and positive about this next IVF. He said that he was tired of being positive. I know he's just in a mood and is tired of hearing that everyone else and their dog is pregnant but Jesus Christ I don't need this shit right now.

I know this will all blow over, but once again IF isn't freaking fair and now it's got DH all pissed off too.

Happy Freaking Holidays!

New Protocol in hands!!

My IVF nurse faxed me my next protocol and I am so excited. SO many things are happening right now that I know March will be right around the corner. We are now shooting for an ER in March since they will wait to start me on any estrogen until they know the results of my CT scan to look at the nodule in my chest.

I got a coupe phone calls after my surgery asking me to come in and interview for counseling jobs. The jobs would start in January so I would have to leave the kiddos I have right now mid-year but I think I am OK with that. I have wanted out of this school for so long that any way I can get out it worth it. So I have an interview on January 6th to be an academic counselor at a middle school in the Denver area..pretty exciting.

Back to my protocol, as of my January AF I will call the RE and then start doing OPK's to detect my LH surge. Once I get my surge, I will call and they will start me on estrogen pills. I will take estrogen pills and then start taking Clomid (never heard of this before but whatever). Then I will start heavy stims and hopefully get to an ER in mid-march!

I am so excited to try this again with someone who has experience (and success) with this protocol. Now just pray that all is well on the CT in January!

Caring Bridge Password Protected

I have had students of mine access my caringbridge site...not that it says anything bad, but I don't want them having that info. Sooo, if you would like to continue to follow my cancer blog, please email me at elephantmeg@juno.com and I will email you the password.

Home, but not 100%

I had the hardware in my neck taken out on Friday and planned to stay about one night in the hospital until ,my pain was under control. Well I ended up staying 3 nights/4 days because I was so sick and couldn't stop throwing up. I was hallucinating too...crazy stuff. I am home now and just taking it easy. I am still really sore but not hallucinating anymore and can keep my pain managed. I look & feel really puffy in my face and neck but I guess that's to be expected.

I have an anti-nausea patch behind me left ear and I'm scared to take it off because I think I'll start puking again. The patch is giving my blurred vision so reading anything is pretty out of the question...so much for finishing my book.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Tomorrow's the day

Tomorrow is the big surgery to get all the hardware taken out of my neck. I doubt I'll be updating this blog but my DH will be updating my caringbridge site if you're interested in seeing how the surgery went. Feel free to visit if you'd like.



Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers.

And so the search continues.

We didn't get the house we put a bid on last week, which we pretty much knew, but it doesn't make it any better. We don't know what it finally went for but we'll be able to find out soon enough when it closes. We keep looking at other houses but have seen pretty much everything in our area that fits our qualifications so now we just wait for new things to go on the market. We are going to look at 4 houses tomorrow (one of them is brand new!) and then we'll probably take a break until after the new year because of my surgery.

Finally saw Twilight movie

I finally went to see the Twilight movie this morning...it was pretty good but nothing compared to how good the book is. I don't think they left off where the book does either. DH thought it was pretty good and wanted to know what happened in the other books. It's making me want to finish book 4..no spoilers please.

We also saw Four Christmases (yeah we went to two for the price of one). It was pretty good, kept us laughing that's for sure, but again it all comes back to a baby. Oh well. I am focusing on my surgery this coming week and then I can focus on baby making.

New IVF nurse= hope

I talked to the new IVF nurse at my clinic today (the other one left and I'm not sure why). She is so awesome and when i told her that I was doing EPP and that nobody at this clinic has done it before she said that the clinic she worked at in San Diego did EPP all the time with high success rates with cases like mine. She said that she looked at my protocol that my RE found and said that they have a better one at her old clinic. She's calling her clinic and getting the successful protocol sent over and then getting it approved by my RE.

I start estrogen pills in January for an ER in February!!! I am so excited that I have a plan and someone at my clinic who's done this protocol before. FINALLY something is going right...now let's just get me to an ER and I'll be on top of the world.

House Hunting...Nursery??

As we're house hunting I can't help but look at the bedrooms and think to myself, "Oh, this would be a perfect nursery." I know it's terrible to do that to myself but I can't help it.

We did put an offer on a house the other day but are pretty sure we won't get it. It's a lender owned property and we bid a thousand less than the asking price because there were other offers on the table as well. I was talking to another lady who happens to be a realtor that deals with lender owns a lot and she said that we probably won't get it if we didn't bid more than they were asking...we didn't even know we could do that!!

Oh well if it's meant to be we'll get it, in the mean time we keep looking and I keep eying nurseries;)