Holy crap

**WARNING: GROSS PICTURE AT END OF POST**

I cannot believe how sore I am. I have four incisions on my left side and every time I take a breath I am in pain. I have found it helps that when I need to get out of bed or up from sitting down I take a deep breath in and just do it. Yeah it sounds like a Nike commercial. LOL

DH and I are officially home owners again. DH went to the closing on Friday and had to sign a whole sentence each time he had to sign for me as my power of attorney. He has been so amazing with all my health stuff, not just this surgery. We take possession on Monday and move on Tuesday. I feel so helpless that I can't do any of the move and just have to boss people around...LOL I guess that's what I do best:)

Thank you ladies for your amazing support through this latest hurdle in my life. You are all amazing and to think I have never met any of you IRL. Here's a pic of my incisions, sorry if it's too gross for some of you.

the bottom incision is from my chest tube

Cancer Sucks, but it's gonna get its ass kicked again.

My surgery is tomorrow at 11am. I have to be at the hospital by 9am so at least I get to sleep in a little. Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers.

My caringbridge site will be updated by my DH often as he knows things.


Thank you so much wonderful ladies for your continued support.

What a difference a day makes...

I kept my original appointment with the thoracic surgeon at UCH and on my way there I got a phone call from Kaiser appeals saying they've approved my referral!! Hallelujah.

I met with Dr. W and he was so nice and seemed very thorough. He said a lot of what the other Dr. said that it's pretty unclear where it is based off the CT scans so it will depend on what they see when they get in there. I have some labs that need to be done at Kaiser for my surgery but other than that I am good to go.

Surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, January 27th! Yes, that's next Tuesday, 5 days from now! I don't know the exact time because I have to call on Monday afternoon and find out. I'm so glad to be getting this show on the road. My dad is flying in on Sunday so that will be so nice to see him. Good thing he's coming in before surgery because I'll be pretty doped up for the remainder of the time he's here:)

Keep those prayers coming because they are definitely working!!

Powerful Message

As I was going through some files at work I found something my friend sent me last year, it's enough to make you cry. If you've never seen it, it really is moving.

"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother"

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes, I will be a wonderful mother."

-Unknown

Not IF related, cancer related (that's my life right now)

So one, I got the email two posts below again today..uggh, annoying.

I've just had a shit day all around.

This morning I called the secretary at the doc's office I am supposed to see tomorrow and asked if they had received my medical records or the faxed referral yet. She said no to both so I started making some phone calls. I got the medical records faxed easily, thanks to the awesome nurses at Dr. A's office.

The referral is quite another story and what's kept me pissed off and on the phone all afternoon. The 'higher ups' at Kaiser decided to deny my referral! Yes, that's right, DENIED!! How might they do that you ask when I already supposedly got the approval? My question was that exact one. Apparently the head of surgery at my medical center approved it then it went to get final approval from another head of surgery and she's the one that said no. I called Dr. A's office and they 'coached' me on what to say to an appeals person. So I called and did an emergent verbal appeal through Kaiser. They said that my claim qualified for an emergent appeal so now it's being reviewed and I will hear within 72 hours if they will reverse the denial. The crappy thing is that my docs who want this referral for me no longer have a say so it's up to me to fight like hell (which I have no problem doing ;).

I've made my case to the appeal board and now I sit and wait (and stew) to hear back. I am keeping my appointment for tomorrow to see the thoracic surgeon and scheduling the surgery for next week. I am trying to stay positive and confident that the referral people will see it my way.

Just one more thing to add to the heap I guess.

I'll keep you updated...

AF is here, bittersweet

So when January's AF arrived I was supposed to start my estrogen priming for my next IVF. So as I got it yesterday, I realized it is a week early. I am sad that I am not able to move forward with this IVF cycle but I also relieved that she's made her grand entrance once again.

My surgery where I had my tubes out I was on AF at the time. Let me just tell you, it is not fun to tell every doctor, anesthesiologist, and anyone else who comes to check on you that you are on AF. I had to tell them all though because nobody seemed to know what to have me do.

Bottom line, I won't have to tell everyone and their mother that I am on my period at the time of my next surgery. Perhaps God is looking out for me after all:)

Have you seen this one??

I have gotten this a couple times and I am so tired of seeing it.

Quote of the day: 
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

Not all people can produce a baby with sperm! I think the toughest thing is that all the people who have sent this have know about my IF. I know they don't think about it but every time I get it it's like it pushes a dagger a little farther into my heart.

Got it...

I got an email from the Dr.yesterday, I got the referral!!
Now I am just waiting for a call from UCH to get me in and get the surgery scheduled.

Update on me...

This is directly from my caringbridge site so if you check that, no need to read on:)

I wanted to give you an update from my appointment today although nothing was really accomplished.

I went to see Dr. M at Kaiser who is a surgeon. We spoke about the tumor in my chest and he pretty much told me the same info that my oncologist told me. I said that my oncologist would like me to get referred to UCH to see a board certified thoracic surgeon. He seemed pretty shocked that I was asking for a referral. I told him it was nothing against him but that all my surgeries have been at UCH and I would like a board certified surgeon. He said that he has done these surgeries several times and feels very comfortable doing it but would ask the head of surgery if I could have a referral. He said that he didn't know if the request would be granted because there were so many docs that could do this surgery effectively.

I have a call into a couple docs, including my oncologist about the referral. I should hear either way in the next couple days. Dr. M agreed that this surgery needs to happen in the next couple weeks.

That's all to report, I'll update when I know more.

Update...

Things with my dad I guess are OK. He emailed me back and said that he just wanted to be there for me and support me through this tough journey. I plan to ask him to fly out here to be with me for the surgery.

The current owners of the house said they would replace the roof for us so that's great news too.

The only crappy news is that I still probably have cancer in my chest but I will deal with that one day at a time. I realize this has turned into more of a cancer journal than anything but that's what going on in my life right now.

Thoughts and prayers to Andrea who will be having her thyroid out tomorrow due to cancer.

High to Low in a Day

How is it that things can go from so good to so bad so quickly?

Where do I start?

One, I didn't get the job that I applied for but they guy said that interviewed awesome and would find a great job. They wanted to go with someone who had experience...now how the hell do I get experience if nobody will hire me? It's probably for the best because of the lymph node that will need to be removed later this month.

On to that, I am fighting terribly with my dad because he just doesn't know when to stop pushing things. I talked to my radiation oncologist today and he said that more likely that not the lump in my chest is my previous cancer metastasized. Radiation is not an option because of where it's located. When it got bigger it grew back and is now close to my esophagus and radiation could severely damage it.

Now we get a call from our realtor saying that after the sellers originally said they would repair the roof when our inspector and another roofer said it needed to be repaired, the chick who lives there (it's a divorce situation) somehow got two people to come out and say the roof is fine. As much as we hated to say it, we had to tell our realtor that if they don't replace the roof the deal is off. Now we just have to wait and see if they decide to let the deal fall or not.

This day is the perfect example of SHIT hitting the fan...just this morning things seemed OK.

I'm going to bed, I've turned off my phone because I don't even want to know what other news I might get.

Dealing

I am slowly dealing with my recent news about surgery. I've tried looking things up online and there really isn't much out there. I have an appointment next Thursday with my thoracic surgeon to get info on the surgery and probably get it scheduled. I hope I am able to go to our closing and move into our new house. I am one that likes to get everything unpacked and things on the walls in the first couple days after moving in so this should be interesting.

I've been talking to a lady I work with and her roommate is a nurse and she said my upcoming surgery will likely keep me off my feet and out of work for 8-12 weeks!! WOW, she said it is basically bypass surgery, to that extent of recovery. I will be happy to go to the surgeon and find out all this for sure.

As much as I bitch about my insurance not covering my IF treatments, I am so thankful to have them for all this crap and even more grateful there isn't a lifetime maximum for coverage because I would for sure be there by now.

I'll keep you updated as I know more.

Not so good news...

Dr. A called just a bit ago and said that he had a chance to look over the scan and the lymph node is larger than before by about a centimeter, which means it has doubled in size since 3 months ago. There really isn't an option now but to operate and remove the node and have it biopsied. He did have a chest surgeon look at the scan as well and has a call into my oncologist, and is having another oncologist look at it as well. He said I should hear from the chest surgeon in the next two days to come in and see him and probably get the surgery scheduled.

I really am just numb right now to be honest, nothing really surprises me anymore with my health.

To stay positive Dr. did say that "IF" this is cancer, people who have had metastasis in one area like this have done really well and we might just be able to take it out and not even do treatment. Remember, we don't know if this is my cancer returning, we still have to biopsy it yet. I am realistic and know it's a distinct possibility, but we still don't know everything.

I appreciate your thoughts and prayers and will keep you up to date as I know things.

Appreciate the life you have

Today's post is not about IF, how bad it sucks, or anything like that. Today's post is an appreciation of my life and the wonderful friends and family I have.

Today I got news that another girl my age (30) passed away from cancer. I had been communicating with this girl since her diagnosis 10 months ago. Her cancer spread to all her internal organs and just before Thanksgiving she made the choice to stop her chemo and enjoy what was left of her life. I don't blame her and she got to spend the holidays with her friends and family without being sick from the chemo.

Words can't even describe what emotions I am feeling right now. Yes, I am sitting here crying because I am so sad for her DH, her family, her friends. It isn't fair. Why should someone so young have to be taken away? Why is cancer everywhere? Why isn't there a cure? I guess this might be harder for me than for others because I am a cancer survivor. I went in today for my CT scan with the confidence that my cancer has not come back. I am so hopeful that it hasn't, but today just shows that cancer doesn't care how old you are or if you have family that loves you. Cancer fucking sucks!

To everyone who reads this: Appreciate the people you have in your life because you never know when something may happen. I am so grateful for everything and everyone in my life.

Thanks Andrea

Just want to say thank you to Andrea for the cute blog heading she made me.
I've learned and met so many people from blogging and am so grateful for each one of you. Infertility sucks but you gals make it so much easier to get through it day by day.

((HUGS)) to you all.

Have a great week!

A time when I was proud of myself...

OK Andrea, this is for you and your contest...

I would have to say a time when I was most proud of myself was in 2006. I had a lump in my neck and I had gone to the Dr once where they said there was nothing wrong and that I just had a herniated disc. I went on and got married on September 16, 2006 and the bump was not getting any smaller. I went back to the Dr, after my wedding and she immediately referred me to a ENT to get the lump looked at more closely. She did ask if I had a history of cancer in my family to which I was very pissed about. I went to my ENT (who is a God sent to me now that I know him)and he tried to do a biopsy. I passed out three different times during the biopsy due to the pain. He then ordered another biopsy where I would be sedated. This biopsy went much better as far as pain. Withing two days I was informed that I had synovial cell sarcoma in my neck. A very rare cancer that is usually within the arms and legs. I was alone at this appointment because I didn't want anyone with me because I wanted to be able to deal with this diagnosis on my own. No Dr.in Colorado or the United State had ever seen this kind of cancer within the neck. No Dr. knew what my treatment should be. I went to Dr. after Dr., all telling me different treatments to try. I finally made the decision to have surgery to remove the tumor and then do the radiation treatment. I have had clean scans up until October of 2008 where I was confronted with my first possible metastasis (spreading of the cancer). I will be having a CT scan tomorrow to determine if the cancer has spread to my chest region. If the cancer has spread I will have surgery to remove the lymph node and have it biopsied. If the lymph node is no longer active I will continue on with my current plan for IVF #3 and it WILL WORK!!

OK, long winded it was.
Long story short, I am proud of myself for kicking cancer's ass and plan to do it again if the need arises. Andrea, I know you will do exactly the same thing!!!

We're buying a house!!

We put an offer in a on a house yesterday and they accepted it today!! Agggh, I can't believe it. Keep in mind we plan to "grow" into this house, hopefully have a couple kids...

Here's some pics of the new house...keep in mind this is how the other people have it decorated, I have so many ideas.