Down in the Dumps

I'm done with chemo but for the last few days I've just felt like shit. I am so beaten down by this cancer and everything that comes with it. My oncologist and radiation oncologist have both said that it's only a matter of time until another tumor shows up. So then tell me, what the fuck was the point of going through shitty chemo and now another round of radiation (this will make #3). I almost feel embarrassed to go into the radiation treatment room because I am back once again. I'm really considering not doing treatment when it comes back again. I just can't do this for the rest of my life. Oh course this scares my DH that I've given up. Maybe it's just a phase but I'm so tired. All I've been since I was diagnosed 3 years ago is positive and WTF has it gotten me?

I'm not suicidal, don't worry, just tired and overwhelmed.

Thanks for listening...I can't exactly post this sort of a rant on my cancer blog...people would freak.

Lupron's Got Nothing on Menopause

Remember me saying how I was excited that I wasn't going to have a period for awhile while I was on chemo?? I take it back, I take it all back. The hot flashes I'm having are ridiculous. I'll take AF back with open arms, just make these stop! Sleeping is a nightmare.

A little update on me since some of you were asking-
I finished round 5 of chemo last week...yeah, that was supposed to be it. Well, at my weekly oncology appointment my doctor talked about possibly doing a 6th round. Ugg, I was so excited to be done. I understand that he wants to get the most bang for our buck but why do that to a girl? I just want to be done and have my hair start growing back (although I haven't shaved in 3 months). So with one of the drugs there is a lifetime max that your body can handle before you are at a severe increased risk of congestive heart failure. That amount is 450 units and after my last treatment I am at 360 units. If I did one more round I would be at 430 units. I had a heart scan on Tuesday to see how my heart muscles are doing and I have a PET scan Tuesday. After the doc has had a chance to look at both of those he'll decide if I will do another round, starting the 28th. It's a toss up...yes, I want it all gone and want to do everything but I'm so sick of this shit and want to get back to work (yes, I said it) and to life.

I'll let you know what's decided but I have a feeling I'll be doing another round.

::Holy hot flash::

3 YEARS

Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary! I think of how much we've been through in the past 3 years and it seems like so much longer!