Powerful Message

As I was going through some files at work I found something my friend sent me last year, it's enough to make you cry. If you've never seen it, it really is moving.

"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother"

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes, I will be a wonderful mother."

-Unknown

Not IF related, cancer related (that's my life right now)

So one, I got the email two posts below again today..uggh, annoying.

I've just had a shit day all around.

This morning I called the secretary at the doc's office I am supposed to see tomorrow and asked if they had received my medical records or the faxed referral yet. She said no to both so I started making some phone calls. I got the medical records faxed easily, thanks to the awesome nurses at Dr. A's office.

The referral is quite another story and what's kept me pissed off and on the phone all afternoon. The 'higher ups' at Kaiser decided to deny my referral! Yes, that's right, DENIED!! How might they do that you ask when I already supposedly got the approval? My question was that exact one. Apparently the head of surgery at my medical center approved it then it went to get final approval from another head of surgery and she's the one that said no. I called Dr. A's office and they 'coached' me on what to say to an appeals person. So I called and did an emergent verbal appeal through Kaiser. They said that my claim qualified for an emergent appeal so now it's being reviewed and I will hear within 72 hours if they will reverse the denial. The crappy thing is that my docs who want this referral for me no longer have a say so it's up to me to fight like hell (which I have no problem doing ;).

I've made my case to the appeal board and now I sit and wait (and stew) to hear back. I am keeping my appointment for tomorrow to see the thoracic surgeon and scheduling the surgery for next week. I am trying to stay positive and confident that the referral people will see it my way.

Just one more thing to add to the heap I guess.

I'll keep you updated...

AF is here, bittersweet

So when January's AF arrived I was supposed to start my estrogen priming for my next IVF. So as I got it yesterday, I realized it is a week early. I am sad that I am not able to move forward with this IVF cycle but I also relieved that she's made her grand entrance once again.

My surgery where I had my tubes out I was on AF at the time. Let me just tell you, it is not fun to tell every doctor, anesthesiologist, and anyone else who comes to check on you that you are on AF. I had to tell them all though because nobody seemed to know what to have me do.

Bottom line, I won't have to tell everyone and their mother that I am on my period at the time of my next surgery. Perhaps God is looking out for me after all:)

Have you seen this one??

I have gotten this a couple times and I am so tired of seeing it.

Quote of the day: 
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

Not all people can produce a baby with sperm! I think the toughest thing is that all the people who have sent this have know about my IF. I know they don't think about it but every time I get it it's like it pushes a dagger a little farther into my heart.

Got it...

I got an email from the Dr.yesterday, I got the referral!!
Now I am just waiting for a call from UCH to get me in and get the surgery scheduled.

Update on me...

This is directly from my caringbridge site so if you check that, no need to read on:)

I wanted to give you an update from my appointment today although nothing was really accomplished.

I went to see Dr. M at Kaiser who is a surgeon. We spoke about the tumor in my chest and he pretty much told me the same info that my oncologist told me. I said that my oncologist would like me to get referred to UCH to see a board certified thoracic surgeon. He seemed pretty shocked that I was asking for a referral. I told him it was nothing against him but that all my surgeries have been at UCH and I would like a board certified surgeon. He said that he has done these surgeries several times and feels very comfortable doing it but would ask the head of surgery if I could have a referral. He said that he didn't know if the request would be granted because there were so many docs that could do this surgery effectively.

I have a call into a couple docs, including my oncologist about the referral. I should hear either way in the next couple days. Dr. M agreed that this surgery needs to happen in the next couple weeks.

That's all to report, I'll update when I know more.

Update...

Things with my dad I guess are OK. He emailed me back and said that he just wanted to be there for me and support me through this tough journey. I plan to ask him to fly out here to be with me for the surgery.

The current owners of the house said they would replace the roof for us so that's great news too.

The only crappy news is that I still probably have cancer in my chest but I will deal with that one day at a time. I realize this has turned into more of a cancer journal than anything but that's what going on in my life right now.

Thoughts and prayers to Andrea who will be having her thyroid out tomorrow due to cancer.