More composed today

I am doing so much better today than last night...thank you for all the sweet comments.

The vet called this afternoon and my cat's b/w came back all normal with the exception of his white blood cells which were extremely elevated. Now she's hoping that it is just a bad case of pneumonia. I really do hope it's pneumonia and not cancer. He's now on heavy antibiotics (two kinds) so we'll see how that goes. The biopsy results should be in Monday or Tuesday.

This cat was my first animal that I owned on my own. I got him when I was a sophomore in college so he's very special to me (aren't all pets?).

Thanks again ladies.

I F-ing hate cancer

I have to make this short because I don't want to start crying again like I have been all day...

So to make my life even fucking better than it has been lately, my cat might have cancer, more likely than not he does. I have had this cat for 12 years and am just devastated. OK, here comes to tears so I have to go.

Please say a prayer for my kitty.

I had a dream

I don't even know the last time I had a dream that I was pregnant or had a baby but last night I had one. I woke up and could see the baby and she even had a name.

And so I digress..
Since I have had the flu all weekend I've stopped taking my pain meds from my surgery and good Lord am I have withdrawals. Not the withdrawals you might think of but uncontrollable crying at nothing at all. This is nothing new for me because when I was first diagnosed in 2006 I had the exact experience. I don't think it's helping me that I don't have a baby, nor do I see one in my near future. If I do have to do chemo (or even if I don't) we don't have the money to do a DE cycle. Don't get me wrong, I love my DH and would love to just spend my life with him. However, those of you who are/have dealt with infertility know that the longing for a child never goes away.

This weekend I am spending Saturday with my dear friend who is 22 weeks pregnant and then Sunday having lunch with another friend who is 30 weeks. I don't begrudge either of them but I'm not sure that with my mental state right now should be having so much time with such pregnant women. Oh well, I'll deal and it will be good to not dwell on my woes.

I do have an appointment with a medical oncologist next Tuesday and hopefully we will be able to map out somewhat of a plan.

Happy Valentine's Day

More news..

I had put a call into my IVF nurse last week to see what my options were as far as if I had to do chemo and what to do with my EPP cycle. She called me this morning and said she spoke with my RE and he said not to put off chemo for a cycle. I told her I was worried about my eggs already being crap and that the chemo would push that over the edge. She said that they both felt that DE were the best option for me and that I might even consider surrogacy since I will have all those chemicals in my body. Umm, WTF, that's NEVER been brought up. People who have had chemo can carry a child can't they? In talking with Andrea, I've learned lots of things about DE and that a shared cycle could be a lot more affordable than I thought (OK, $15K isn't exactly affordable, but it's better than $30K).

Now I sit and wait to hear from the docs to see what my treatment options are for my cancer and see what the oncologist says about doing one last cycle (or attempting to) with my own eggs. The nurse today sounded pretty bleak that it would even work so that's not promising. She was the one who got me so hyped on this EPP, what the hell? She did say that they would do whatever I wanted to since I was the patient so that's good.

Well, I guess that's all my ranting for now. I'll let you know when I hear news.

Sorry I've been MIA

I know I haven't posted for awhile so I wanted to get get online and give an update.

I went to my follow-up appointment the other day and the pathology report came back and the lump in my chest was in fact my cancer come back. Now I wait to get an appointment with a medical oncologist and sarcoma specialist. I'm dealing pretty well because I knew in my heart the lump was my cancer again. I do have a feeling though that this time around I will have to do chemo but that's OK if that's what it takes to get this shit out of my body.

If I have to do chemo I am now nervous about doing another cycle. My eggs are already shit and after chemo I worry there will be nothing. If I have the time to put off chemo for 3 months and do my EPP cycle I would like to and get some embies to freeze for after chemo.

Please keep the prayers coming as I am not even close to be doing fighting this battle.

On a positive note, we are moved into our house and LOVE it! Here's some pics of it so far.

LIVING ROOM


DINING ROOM: new china cabinet


KITCHEN


FAMILY ROOM: new couch & ottoman

Octuplets

OK so I have put this off long enough, I have to put in my two cents on this woman who had EIGHT babies last week. When I first heard about the woman I was pissed about the doctor who would let this happen. Now I learn that she has six other fucking kids. Are you kidding me? Not only am I pissed at the doctor who let this woman go through with this many follicles, but what woman in their right mind would do this? Perhaps that's the problem, she's insane!!

I think this is possibly a classic example of someone not being monitored on fertility meds. And then to top it all off, she lives with her mom and there's no father involved. Don't get me wrong, I am all for a woman doing IVF if she feels as though she's ready to have a child even if there isn't a man in her life. This woman now has 14 kids under the age of 7! She is making a joke out of infertility and everything that we all go through.

OK, I think I am done. Thanks for listening, she just pisses me off to no end and I needed to get it off my chest.