Hope Somewhat Restored

I spoke with my radiation oncologist today after my treatment about the EPP and trying one more time before chemo and he said absolutely to go through with it. He said that I didn't HAVE to do chemo so putting if off for a couple weeks isn't a big deal.

I called my IVF coordinator and the plan is to start Estrace with my next cycle!! SO when I get my April AF (around the 18th) I will start doing OPK's and then when I get my surge I start Estrace. I take that for 10-20 days and have u/s and b/w during that time to check my progress and then I start clomid and stims!! My hope is restored...now we just need to pray for growing follies when the time comes and that those embies make it to freeze. I have the follies when we did our last cycles, I just didn't have the E2.

I am on cloud 9 and nothing has even happened yet. Just excited to have a plan.

Wishes Granted

I might get my wish for no periods but it's not in the way I want but the saying goes, "Beggers can't be choosers."

I had an appointment with my oncologist this afternoon. I asked if I was crazy to want to do chemo when there is no tumor to monitor. He told me I wasn't and that this was probably the best option for me since my cancer has already spread once. When talking to him we talked about the options with infertility . He said (in nice terms) that since my eggs are already shot there was really no point in putting off chemo. I gave him the number to my RE(who's not too keen on the IVF with my own eggs) to talk about options. After chemo I will most likely go through a temporary menopause for anywhere from six months to two years. After that it's not advised to carry a baby for 3-5 years...OMG, I will be 36 years old!!!

So I guess I am getting my wish of going through menopause after all, I just didn't think that chemo would be what would make it happen.

My DH and I have talked briefly about out options for a baby. He's not so open for adoption right now and to be honest with the cost of it all, I'm not sure I am either. Do we accept the fact that we might never have kids? I know we have a lot of shit to deal with my health first but it's always in the back to my mind (babies).

Evolution of AF

As she graced me with her presence yesterday I began to think of how I have viewed this monthly visitor as the years have gone by.

Age 15:
So glad to be "normal" and finally get my period and go through puberty.

Ages 18-27
Prayed every month that she would come and prove that I was not pregnant.

Ages 28-29
Hoping she wouldn't come so it would prove I would be pregnant

Age 30 (NOW)
Just annoyed all around. Why do I even have a period when I am infertile and can't have my own children? My RE says my FSH and AMH are so high that my eggs are completely shot and there really isn't a chance of me being able to use my own eggs for pregnancy. To top it all off, in the last few months I have been curled up in the fetal position with a heating pad on my stomach the cramps have been so bad the first day.

Note to my body: either go through menopause or let me use my own eggs, but don't torture me with a period every month and not produce quality eggs. It's just not fair.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

Two radiation treatments down, 22 remaining! The treatments have been so easy so far. I don't have to wear a mask all I have to do it have my hands above my head during the short treatment. The machine moves five times. Each time a nurse has to come in and change the plate on the machine, but other than that it's very uneventful. Right now I am going every morning but when I go back to work I will go in the afternoons.

You wouldn't think this, but the waiting room is full of positive energy and there's always something going on. There are two nuns (who really are biological sisters) that give their entire morning every day to just sit and be with the people going through treatment. They are truly amazing (and so funny). I bring a book every day to read and every day I leave without as much as a paragraph read because of all the entertainment.

On Friday I have an appointment with my medical oncologist to talk about options for chemo. I have emailed him and asked him to call the specialist at UCH to get his opinion on things. If he can't get a hold of him I plan to pursue the referral.

I have been talking to a couple people online who have had chemo and this specific kind of sarcoma so I told my doc what they used for chemo and he said that would be what he uses on me as well. At least there is something that everyone is on the same page with.

Baby Showers

This weekend I have a baby shower to attend...to be honest, I think I am OK with it (that might change after). I know that, no matter how long we've tried or how bad we want it, we cannot have a baby right now until all this cancer is gone.

Now this is what pisses me off about baby showers, specifically one shower.
I get an invitation in the mail today for my BF's baby shower in April (she was the MOH in my wedding). I had offered my house for the shower but she said she wanted to have it closer to where she lives and didn't know where I might be in my treatment so didn't say anything. What pisses me off is that I wasn't even ASKED to help with the shower and when I get the invite today there are four names of people who are "hosting" the shower. I wasn't even asked and I'm one of her closest friends. I am hurt, really hurt. The friend who is doing most of the duties doesn't even live in our state...WTF!!! I know she was "looking out for me" with my treatments but to not even be asked is messed up. Of all the baby showers I would be willing to help with, this would be it and I'm not a part of it at all.

**Sigh**

Weighing on my mind

~THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR KIND WORDS ABOUT MY CAT, YESTERDAY WAS A VERY HARD DAY. HE WILL BE MISSED GREATLY BUT HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE WITH ALL THE CAT NIP IN THE WORLD~

I had to share this little bit:
We went out to dinner on Saturday night with a group of friends. These are people we hang out with on a regular basis and all are familiar with our IF issues. Another couple joined us out that night who we haven't seen in almost a year due to the birth of their son. They dealt with IF and several m/c prior to becoming pregnant so they definitely know what the struggle is like. ANYHOO...so we're at dinner and drinking with everyone when another couple's daughter calls (she's 15/16 y/o). The Mom is giving her crap because her b/f is over at the house and they are alone. The Dad is flipping out at that and tells her not to do anything stupid. I say that if she gets pregnant my DH and I will take the baby. We all laughed hard at that (I was serious though). I figure if I can't make jokes about my IF I will never be able to get through it.

This couple who has dealt with IF gave me a look of death when I made that comment. I'm not going to fucking steal your baby, or someone elses for that matter, it was a joke-lighten up. I said to her, if I can't joke about my IF then who can? She still looked at me with disgust. I was so annoyed the rest of the night I drank myself into oblivion...LOL.

I don't know that this story really makes sense (I swear I'm not drunk now) I was just so annoyed I had to share.

Sad News

My cat, the one that's been sick and seemed to be doing much better, died last night in his sleep. My step-dad went to give him his medicine this morning and he was just laying in his bed. I am sad beyond belief but know that he went peacefully and without pain and is no longer suffering from whatever it was that made him sick. I think that's about all I can type right now, thanks for the thoughts & prayers.

Simon 1997-2009