I've got the FEVER

BABY FEVER that is!

I think I am losing my mind. DH and I talked last night and our thoughts are that if it is safe, we might just go ahead and transfer embies instead of freezing them. After I complete radiation (TOMORROW!!) my cancer that they removed should be gone. It took nearly three years for my first cancer to come back. I plan to ask my radiation oncologist today if getting pregnant would be safe for me and more importantly, the baby (ies). If he says it's OK and we can actually get some eggs, we might do this. I am, after all, choosing to do chemo even though there is no cancer right now in my body they can detect. This is all happening so quick and I'm not sure how to process. Of course if the doctors say no, then we will pray for great embies to freeze and go with our original plan. ER is tentatively scheduled for the first week in June.

What a change of events!

I'll let you know what the oncologists say!

Things are Lookin UP

I have more hope right now than I have in a LONG time. My oncologist sent the letter to my RE saying I could do this EPP cycle. I started AF this week so tomorrow I go in for my CD3 b/w and then am ready to go! I am having irrational thoughts though that if we actually get embies (we've never gotten them the last 2 cycles we've done) I will want to transfer them and not chance the freezing process.

In AWESOME news, a very good friend, I'm not going to mention her name in case she doesn't want me to, is giving me her RX for Gonal F that will be shipped to my house since she can't use her script. I cannot even tell you how grateful I am to this person (you know who you are). Not only is she amazing for doing this, but she's been so supportive for me during this whole process and understands what I'm going through. So I will now be saving several hundred dollars, if not a thousand. My IVF nurse said she could get me samples of other stuff so I'll only have to pay for Menopur. Could good things actually be happening?? Now let's get some EGGS!!

Life is UNFAIR

As I was visiting my friend and her baby at Children's Hospital today I truly realized that some people f-ing suck and life really is not fair. I was talking to her and her DH and they said that in the 7 days they've been there there are a couple babies that have had NO ONE in with with. Not one freaking person. The nurses rock them and soothe them when they cry. One baby needs a heart transplant but the mother dropped her off somewhere and took off and without the mother's consent they can't give her a heart transplant so she'll most likely die. WHAT THE F&*^ is wrong with this world where people like us wold give anything to have a baby and then those people don't even care for theirs when they're sick? It makes me so angry, if you can't tell.

It was so sad being in the NICU and seeing all those little babies just sick.
On the upside, my friend's baby will probably get to go home tomorrow as long as he doesn't have a seizure tonight.

PS. AF just started and I called to schedule my CD3 b/w...nervous that this one might not work either and this is the one that counts because I will officially be infertile after chemo.

Prayers for Baby Connor

My dear friend had her baby last week. Connor was born on Monday, April 6th and mom was induced two weeks early and he was still 9 pounds, 6 ounces...HOLY COW!

A few days after being born Connor started to have seizures so he was transported to Children's Hospital here in Denver. He was doing well and not having seizures and was ready to go home until he has another seizure yesterday and now it's back to square one. They believe he has early epilepsy. The good thing about this (and I can speak from my brother's experience) is that he will most likely grow out of this by the age of 2. Scary stuff for a mom though. I don't know how they are dealing with all this and their 2 year old. I am going to see them this afternoon after my radiation appointment (don't worry it's not dangerous to the baby). He has to go 24-48 hours without a seizure before he can go home.

If you can say an extra prayer today for Baby Connor I would appreciate it.

THANKS!!

Digging through some boxes

And this is one of the books I found that was given to me 3 years ago because she was sure I would be next!!



As I was searching for this picture I realized there is a much more up to date version with a newer cover and cuter person on the front. Has it been that long since I started TTC? It reminded me of how full of hope I was when I started this journey. I remember looking at the pregnancy symptoms and being convinced I was indeed pregnant. Oh how times have changed. To tell you the truth, it didn't even phase me to see the book (maybe it did since I'm blogging about it). I am so numb to everything now and know this isn't "my time" and I've accepted that.

I've started looking into adoption and what it entails. I have talked more to DH about it and he seems a little more open that before so that's good. I used Andrea's approach that she suggested which is tell him we should start the adoption process now and then when I can carry a baby (3-5 years after chemo) we can do DE. He's mulling it over:) I know I will become a mom at some point in my life, I just wish it could be now when everyone else has the little ones for them to play with...oh well!

Prayer & Update

I know I haven't been on in awhile, I have been so tired from doing radiation and going back to work this week. TGIF is for sure!! My grandfather went into the hospital this week to have a blood clot removed from behind his knee and when they got in there and tried to remove it they realized he didn't have any viable veins left in his legs so they ended up amputating his right leg just above the knee. My Grandma is devastated but I keep telling her to try and remain positive that he's still with us and that says a lot. If you have an extra prayer, my grandpa and grandma could use it.

As for the update with my IVF-
I got all my b/w done besides the CD3 which I will have done mid-April. I got an email yesterday from the office of my oncologist that said they have received info from my RE about the stim drugs etc. I am now worried that they will say they don't want me to do a final IVF to just get eggs. I will be freezing embroyos only, not doing a transfer due to chemo in May/June. If they say that I will fight them since I am CHOOSING to do chemo, not being told that I HAVE to.

I'll keep you updated!!

Gluten for Punishment??

I have offered to do my best friend's maternity pics! Am I nuts? No, I'm really not and am so excited to do this for her. I do some photography on the side (as does she) and although I have never done maternity pics I think they will be awesome. I plan to do them late April so I'll post the pics after I take them.

Right now I am so focused on our EPP cycle it's crazy. I've started taking the DHEA again and am already breaking out like a teenager, gross. It will all be worth it though if I get some embies to freeze. Keeping positive, that's all that I can do at this point.