Selfish?

I am starting to think, is is selfish for me to want a baby? Gosh, I want to be a mother so bad, but is it fair? Is it fair to have a baby knowing full well that I probably won't be alive to see it graduate from high school or get married? I want more than anything to have a baby with my husband but do I want either my husband or child (children) to have to go through the pain of losing a wife/mother? What if my child inherits my cancer? I can't live with myself if that's the case.

I've asked my DH and he assures me that no matter what, he wants a baby with me, even if that means that he has to raise it (them) on his own (with the help of our parents of course). I know that's a hard thing for a lot to digest, but it's something very realistic that we've had to talk about and digest.

I have to assume that if God does not want me to have a baby, he will not allow these frozen embies to implant. For now, my oncologist has emailed my RE and decided that I am OK to have a baby!!!

Come out, Come out, wherever you are...

I notice my number of visitors on this blog and am amazed, yet I don't get many comments. Please, if only this one time, comment and tell me who you are, where you're from, and how you found my blog.

Can't wait to hear from you!!

Moving Forward

I have been in contact with my IVF coordinator and everything seems OK. I don't have to get my b/w done again since I had all my infectious disease screenings done in April of last year and they're good for a year. I have to get a PAP and have it scheduled for the second week in Feb. As long as my oncologist emails my RE (which he said he will) we are set to start estrogen patches with March's AF. I have to make an a follow up appt. with my RE to determine how many embies to thaw/transfer.

WOW, I can't believe this is happening.
Please God don't let anything happen to stop this.

FET in March??

I can't believe I am saying this but I think we are going to try and do a FET in March!! I had an appointment with my new oncologist today who is a sarcoma specialist and he thinks that it would be safe for me to go ahead and get pregnant (as long as we do it soon). He thinks I have about a year before another tumor shows up. I am fully aware of the fact that I won't be able to have any scans while I'm pregnant (if I get pregnant) and that when/if the baby is born I will have to get a scan right away to see if there's a tumor (which there probably will be) My tumors don't seem to grow very fast though so he thinks it will be OK. I've already contacted mt IVF coordinator and she said that when I started my period in March I would start estrogen patches, after 10-14 days on patches I would have an u/s to look at my lining and if all looked good the transfer would be the next week.

There are lots of things to be done prior to all this though...IVF coordinator said I need a pap and tons of b/w. Shit, I don't have Kai.ser anymore so I don't have a PCP to order all that stuff for me and I know insurance won't cover it if it's done by the RE.

Uggh, I can't believe all this is happening.

PS. If you are on my cancer blog list, please don't say anything about this because we aren't telling many people.

Debt...I'll never get out

I was going through and adding up all the money spent OOP on things IF and cancer related to deduct from our 2009 taxes. I have insurance for the cancer stuff and the IF stuff this year was very minimal compared to the year prior. How am I ever supposed to get out of debt when I spent close to $10,000 OOP in 2009 for co-pays, ER, chemo, scans, etc? In 2008 we deducted close to $25,000 OOP. I do the flex spending but we can only do $2500/year and with my health crap that's gone by March.

Honestly, even with insurance you're screwed.

Vent over.

Healing

Surgery went great and the doctor was able to get the tumor out via lap so the healing should be very similar to last year. I opted for a mid-body epidural and OMG it was the best thing ever. I had NO pain whatsoever while it was in and I was recovering in the hospital. I am now home and the epidural has since worn off but I am doing well and keeping on top of the pain meds and taking Ad.vil in between. I am doing so well that I don't think I am going to need to 2 months off work like I originally thought but I am going to wait and see.

Thanks for all the positive thoughts and prayers.

Surgery is coming...

Friday is my latest surgery. I am getting kinda nervous for this one because I think it's going to be bigger than last year. My Dad comes into town tomorrow and he's going to be in shock coming from the south to CO where the high tomorrow will be 23 degrees and 1-3 inches of snow by evening!

I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers and I undergo the latest surgery.
For those of you that follow my cancer blog, it will be updated several times on Friday and then when I feel up to it I will update how I'm doing later in the weekend.