Holy crap

**WARNING: GROSS PICTURE AT END OF POST**

I cannot believe how sore I am. I have four incisions on my left side and every time I take a breath I am in pain. I have found it helps that when I need to get out of bed or up from sitting down I take a deep breath in and just do it. Yeah it sounds like a Nike commercial. LOL

DH and I are officially home owners again. DH went to the closing on Friday and had to sign a whole sentence each time he had to sign for me as my power of attorney. He has been so amazing with all my health stuff, not just this surgery. We take possession on Monday and move on Tuesday. I feel so helpless that I can't do any of the move and just have to boss people around...LOL I guess that's what I do best:)

Thank you ladies for your amazing support through this latest hurdle in my life. You are all amazing and to think I have never met any of you IRL. Here's a pic of my incisions, sorry if it's too gross for some of you.

the bottom incision is from my chest tube

Cancer Sucks, but it's gonna get its ass kicked again.

My surgery is tomorrow at 11am. I have to be at the hospital by 9am so at least I get to sleep in a little. Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers.

My caringbridge site will be updated by my DH often as he knows things.


Thank you so much wonderful ladies for your continued support.

What a difference a day makes...

I kept my original appointment with the thoracic surgeon at UCH and on my way there I got a phone call from Kaiser appeals saying they've approved my referral!! Hallelujah.

I met with Dr. W and he was so nice and seemed very thorough. He said a lot of what the other Dr. said that it's pretty unclear where it is based off the CT scans so it will depend on what they see when they get in there. I have some labs that need to be done at Kaiser for my surgery but other than that I am good to go.

Surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, January 27th! Yes, that's next Tuesday, 5 days from now! I don't know the exact time because I have to call on Monday afternoon and find out. I'm so glad to be getting this show on the road. My dad is flying in on Sunday so that will be so nice to see him. Good thing he's coming in before surgery because I'll be pretty doped up for the remainder of the time he's here:)

Keep those prayers coming because they are definitely working!!

Powerful Message

As I was going through some files at work I found something my friend sent me last year, it's enough to make you cry. If you've never seen it, it really is moving.

"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother"

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes, I will be a wonderful mother."

-Unknown

Not IF related, cancer related (that's my life right now)

So one, I got the email two posts below again today..uggh, annoying.

I've just had a shit day all around.

This morning I called the secretary at the doc's office I am supposed to see tomorrow and asked if they had received my medical records or the faxed referral yet. She said no to both so I started making some phone calls. I got the medical records faxed easily, thanks to the awesome nurses at Dr. A's office.

The referral is quite another story and what's kept me pissed off and on the phone all afternoon. The 'higher ups' at Kaiser decided to deny my referral! Yes, that's right, DENIED!! How might they do that you ask when I already supposedly got the approval? My question was that exact one. Apparently the head of surgery at my medical center approved it then it went to get final approval from another head of surgery and she's the one that said no. I called Dr. A's office and they 'coached' me on what to say to an appeals person. So I called and did an emergent verbal appeal through Kaiser. They said that my claim qualified for an emergent appeal so now it's being reviewed and I will hear within 72 hours if they will reverse the denial. The crappy thing is that my docs who want this referral for me no longer have a say so it's up to me to fight like hell (which I have no problem doing ;).

I've made my case to the appeal board and now I sit and wait (and stew) to hear back. I am keeping my appointment for tomorrow to see the thoracic surgeon and scheduling the surgery for next week. I am trying to stay positive and confident that the referral people will see it my way.

Just one more thing to add to the heap I guess.

I'll keep you updated...

AF is here, bittersweet

So when January's AF arrived I was supposed to start my estrogen priming for my next IVF. So as I got it yesterday, I realized it is a week early. I am sad that I am not able to move forward with this IVF cycle but I also relieved that she's made her grand entrance once again.

My surgery where I had my tubes out I was on AF at the time. Let me just tell you, it is not fun to tell every doctor, anesthesiologist, and anyone else who comes to check on you that you are on AF. I had to tell them all though because nobody seemed to know what to have me do.

Bottom line, I won't have to tell everyone and their mother that I am on my period at the time of my next surgery. Perhaps God is looking out for me after all:)

Have you seen this one??

I have gotten this a couple times and I am so tired of seeing it.

Quote of the day: 
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

Not all people can produce a baby with sperm! I think the toughest thing is that all the people who have sent this have know about my IF. I know they don't think about it but every time I get it it's like it pushes a dagger a little farther into my heart.